Are you only young once?

Paul and I were laying in bed the other night, he was reading one of his DEPRESSING novels and I was lying there with my book on my chest...staring at the ceiling fan. Paul looked at me and said "do you want to talk about something?". " No, I'm just thinking..." I replied. "sigh...Although, Do you think I have lost all my ambition....or have my opportunities to be ambitious just dwindled." All Paul could really say was ..."What?!"

You see, as I was staring at that terribly ugly ceiling fan, I was reminiscing on the girl I was in high school. Earlier that day I had stumbled across an old photo album. I couldn't help but marvel at all the photos of me staring at the camera with total confidence....a complete love of self! So that night as I lay in my bed I thought of the girl I used to be. I was ambitious....I had dreams. For example when I was young I wanted to be in a musical more then anything....so when I got to high school I tried out every year and, didn't make it...until my senior year...I was Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I sang in front of hundreds of people! How the hell did I do THAT? You can't even get me to sing karaoke now! I also can't believe I kept trying and year after year I didn't even make the chorus ....but I never gave up.

I was Jr Class President...I remember the day I signed up to run for the office. I was asleep in my algebra class, something startled me, so when I woke up all my books fell on the floor. There was drool on my face...I laughed. The boy next to me was picking up my books..( he was new, but was very popular already) he noticed my registration form and asked me what I was running for, I told him I was running for Jr class president......he said he was too. Then he Laughed, and said (in a very snide tone) "good luck". You see I fell asleep in algebra every day..I had fallen out of my seat on multiple occasions and drool was no stranger. So this guy thought that I was no competition.....I wiped the floor with him. ( on a side note, he ran against me for student body president and won by a land slide). But what I marvel at more then winning, is the fact that I knew I was going too...even when he laughed at me, inside I was thinking he was such an idiot and that he didn't know who he was up against.

Really that story epitomizes who I was back then....A total nerd, with a butt load of confidence. In PE I had to bat at the same (special) spot as the down syndrome girl in the class. They used to call me "fall down girl" because I was constantly tripping on my shoes...the reason was I had to wear shoes that were a size to big, because of my super wide hobbit feet. I would blast my footloose soundtrack as Annie and I would belt it out at the top of our lungs in the school parking lot.....but I didn't care. I NEVER cared what other people thought of me. I didn't care that I had no rhythm....I would dance my heart out. I didn't care that my boyfriend went to another high school. I didn't care that all the "popular" kids hated me when I put "mods" and "nerd" in charge of events, when I was in student government. I Loved who I was!

Now the question is....do I still love who I am?................Yes. I can say that with complete confidence. I may not want my picture taken all the time. I also may want my pose to be just right...no more head on......face forward shots for me. (At least not for now). But I do like who I am.

With that being said, I do worry that I ( as a lot of mothers do) get so lost in caring for my lovely, loud babies.....that I don't take the time to go after my dreams. Those dreams that find me in my quiet moments. The ones that whisper....go back to school, study photography. ....Or...open your own bakery......Or....put that doughnut down, and go to the gym and get the body you deserve. I love myself but I have lost that drive and confidence of my youth...I have to get it back! For heavens sake I'm only 32!!!!