Friday, August 28, 2009

Embrace Uncertainty

So I was watching TV today and there was this guy who was supposed to be the end all be all on spirituality. Ellen asked him what his goal was this year and he said…”I want to learn to embrace uncertainty”…….At first I was like WHAMMO …..that is just what I need to do, I need to embrace all the uncertainty in my life. That would totally solve all my problems.

Any of my readers who have known me for a long period of time, know that I had a plan for my life…I was going to marry a nice conservative republican, Mormon and live in Utah, stay at home with my kids and raise a nice little family. When I met Paul I thought WOW…this is the guy, a return missionary, a teacher at the MTC, he even asked for back issues of the Ensign for Christmas. Well a few years into our marriage we moved to California so that Paul could get his PhD in psychology. While there my honey went through some major life changes that through me for a loop. I found myself no longer married to a conservative Mormon….but to a liberal atheist. As you can imagine such a major life change is hard on any relationship, Paul may have changed, but I did not.

I don’t really change….not to any major degree. I am like an old bachelor….set in my ways. I was raised by parents who beat certain principles into my head, and they are there forever. So when all these things that Paul was going through came to the surface…. I have to say I did not handle it well…..I was angry and resentful, but mostly scared. I was scared that my children would miss out on the upbringing that I found so important. I was scared that my relationship with my husband would never be the same, we disagreed about everything, politics, religion, the way our children should be say the least it was hard. Looking back I wish I could have been more understanding about what Paul was going through, I am sure it wasn’t easy loosing your identity and having to totally redefine yourself. But at the time I was too blinded by my own feeling to see that.

The thing that pulled us through is our sense of humor….the ability to laugh. It was all to often that we would end a hard day together in bed watching our favorite comedy …and laughing together. Humor is that one thing that we will always have in common….it’s the tie that binds. Now 6 yrs after the first question of faith…..and the change from Rush Limbaugh to Bill Maher….our marriage is better, not perfect, but better. I think that we are more honest with each other and have more of an understanding of what we are both feeling. But there is still a lot of uncertainty….Which brings me back to what that guy said about “embracing uncertainty”. When I really started to think about it, I realized it was a really stupid thing to say. You can sit at home and tell yourself, I am going to be at peace with all the things that are yet to come….but when they do come you will not always want to embrace them (nor should you). Life is full of surprises and not all of them are pleasant. I think the best we can do is learn to live with the changes and fight like crazy to keep the things that are important to us.

Paul and my marriage are important, so I am willing to make the compromises that will bring us closer together. I love so many things about Paul, he is a great father, a good provider, a smarty pants and mostly a great friend to me and I am willing to fight to keep him abound. Making sure my kids go to church and are raised in the gospel is also important to me, so I will take them to church on Sunday by myself, and do my best to instill those principle in them…and at the same time teach them to not be judgmental of others. And that everyone has there own life to live and we need to respect other people’s choices. It is a delicate dance. I just hope that in the end Paul and I will have raised some amazing kids who are able to look at their parents and know that they love each other and they didn’t just give up when things got hard but fought hard to keep the promises and the family that they made.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Grace 06

I was sick of that sad picture so I put this up instead. It makes me happy just looking at it.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Forgive me for being down....

Do you ever get sad….I have been sad lately. I don’t really enjoy it. I am usually a very happy person…..I don’t let the stresses of my life get me down, but lately I have been feeling low. It’s not depression, I don’t feel hopeless or down on myself….I just don’t really feel like myself either.

I would like to blame it on the recession….staring at the tuna at the supermarket, wondering if the 70 cents you are going to save buying the cheep stuff is worth the soggy, dark meet, tuna sandwich you are going to eat later. Then you tell yourself you will just feed it to the children ….but that’s not right...Is it? Now that’s depressing.

Or realizing as you bite into that chicken/ pork hot dog that the Jews are really the only people that have any business making hot dogs (Nathans kosher hot dogs are the best) and Western Family ketchup is so tangy and just not the same as Hines.

I really don’t think that’s it though ….I have a blessed life. I just went to Costa Rica for free! How great is that. I think that is were it all started, I came home and had to get back to the real world…why can’t I just live at the Four Seasons? I don’t think that spending 9 days in a swimsuit was good for my self esteem either. But besides wearing the swimsuit, it really was a fantastic vacation…….housekeeping and room service and beaches and family and nice restaurants.

You all hate me now….I am depressed because I had to come home from a 9 day vacation at the Four Season. Wow that does sound bad….I had better cheer up quick! Thank for letting me vent, now that I am feeling a little foolish, I will make a bigger fool of myself by posting some pictures of my awesome trip.

These first couple photos are from the annual Bryson Gualala trip...I thought I would just throw them in there.

This is what the nightly dinners look like....I think we had 25 of my family members on this trip.....but the more the merrier in my opinion.

From Nick down it is all Costa Rica...such a beautiful place and what a fun trip!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Some Cakes...just for fun, or to show off, your pick!

Well awhile back some oh you asked to see pictures of my here they are! They are not perfect but they are fun and great memories!