Embrace Uncertainty

So I was watching TV today and there was this guy who was supposed to be the end all be all on spirituality. Ellen asked him what his goal was this year and he said…”I want to learn to embrace uncertainty”…….At first I was like WHAMMO …..that is just what I need to do, I need to embrace all the uncertainty in my life. That would totally solve all my problems.

Any of my readers who have known me for a long period of time, know that I had a plan for my life…I was going to marry a nice conservative republican, Mormon and live in Utah, stay at home with my kids and raise a nice little family. When I met Paul I thought WOW…this is the guy, a return missionary, a teacher at the MTC, he even asked for back issues of the Ensign for Christmas. Well a few years into our marriage we moved to California so that Paul could get his PhD in psychology. While there my honey went through some major life changes that through me for a loop. I found myself no longer married to a conservative Mormon….but to a liberal atheist. As you can imagine such a major life change is hard on any relationship, Paul may have changed, but I did not.

I don’t really change….not to any major degree. I am like an old bachelor….set in my ways. I was raised by parents who beat certain principles into my head, and they are there forever. So when all these things that Paul was going through came to the surface…. I have to say I did not handle it well…..I was angry and resentful, but mostly scared. I was scared that my children would miss out on the upbringing that I found so important. I was scared that my relationship with my husband would never be the same, we disagreed about everything, politics, religion, the way our children should be raised.....to say the least it was hard. Looking back I wish I could have been more understanding about what Paul was going through, I am sure it wasn’t easy loosing your identity and having to totally redefine yourself. But at the time I was too blinded by my own feeling to see that.

The thing that pulled us through is our sense of humor….the ability to laugh. It was all to often that we would end a hard day together in bed watching our favorite comedy …and laughing together. Humor is that one thing that we will always have in common….it’s the tie that binds. Now 6 yrs after the first question of faith…..and the change from Rush Limbaugh to Bill Maher….our marriage is better, not perfect, but better. I think that we are more honest with each other and have more of an understanding of what we are both feeling. But there is still a lot of uncertainty….Which brings me back to what that guy said about “embracing uncertainty”. When I really started to think about it, I realized it was a really stupid thing to say. You can sit at home and tell yourself, I am going to be at peace with all the things that are yet to come….but when they do come you will not always want to embrace them (nor should you). Life is full of surprises and not all of them are pleasant. I think the best we can do is learn to live with the changes and fight like crazy to keep the things that are important to us.

Paul and my marriage are important, so I am willing to make the compromises that will bring us closer together. I love so many things about Paul, he is a great father, a good provider, a smarty pants and mostly a great friend to me and I am willing to fight to keep him abound. Making sure my kids go to church and are raised in the gospel is also important to me, so I will take them to church on Sunday by myself, and do my best to instill those principle in them…and at the same time teach them to not be judgmental of others. And that everyone has there own life to live and we need to respect other people’s choices. It is a delicate dance. I just hope that in the end Paul and I will have raised some amazing kids who are able to look at their parents and know that they love each other and they didn’t just give up when things got hard but fought hard to keep the promises and the family that they made.

Grace 06

I was sick of that sad picture so I put this up instead. It makes me happy just looking at it.

Forgive me for being down....

Do you ever get sad….I have been sad lately. I don’t really enjoy it. I am usually a very happy person…..I don’t let the stresses of my life get me down, but lately I have been feeling low. It’s not depression, I don’t feel hopeless or down on myself….I just don’t really feel like myself either.

I would like to blame it on the recession….staring at the tuna at the supermarket, wondering if the 70 cents you are going to save buying the cheep stuff is worth the soggy, dark meet, tuna sandwich you are going to eat later. Then you tell yourself you will just feed it to the children ….but that’s not right...Is it? Now that’s depressing.

Or realizing as you bite into that chicken/ pork hot dog that the Jews are really the only people that have any business making hot dogs (Nathans kosher hot dogs are the best) and Western Family ketchup is so tangy and just not the same as Hines.

I really don’t think that’s it though ….I have a blessed life. I just went to Costa Rica for free! How great is that. I think that is were it all started, I came home and had to get back to the real world…why can’t I just live at the Four Seasons? I don’t think that spending 9 days in a swimsuit was good for my self esteem either. But besides wearing the swimsuit, it really was a fantastic vacation…….housekeeping and room service and beaches and family and nice restaurants.

You all hate me now….I am depressed because I had to come home from a 9 day vacation at the Four Season. Wow that does sound bad….I had better cheer up quick! Thank for letting me vent, now that I am feeling a little foolish, I will make a bigger fool of myself by posting some pictures of my awesome trip.

These first couple photos are from the annual Bryson Gualala trip...I thought I would just throw them in there.


This is what the nightly dinners look like....I think we had 25 of my family members on this trip.....but the more the merrier in my opinion.


From Nick down it is all Costa Rica...such a beautiful place and what a fun trip!

Some Cakes...just for fun, or to show off, your pick!

Well awhile back some oh you asked to see pictures of my cakes...so here they are! They are not perfect but they are fun and great memories!

The Jones is nine.....I can't believe it!!!

The other day Jonas was asked to give a talk in primary on prayer. He told me he wanted to prepare it himself, so I gave him a scripture to use and he went in his room to practice. On the way to church he told me he was ready and said he was just going to share some experiences from his life were his prayers were answered. So naturally as I sat in the primary room I was very eager to hear is talk.....and this is how it went.....He first shared his scripture and then he said " now I would like to tell you two times in my life where my prayers were answered.....One day I had a terrible stomach ache, it was so bad I didn't even know what I was going to do, so I said a prayer......and then right after I went into the bathroom and had a HUGE Diarrhea and it made me feel soooo much better!!" When I asked him why he shared that particular story he said "Adults tell funny stories in sacrament meeting all the time....it was appropriate wasn't it?" I laughed and told him it was fine.
That story epitomises my Jones....He is smart, independent, spiritual and very, very funny! Bringing Jonas into this world was a lot different then Nick....Jonas didn't fly out of my belly, he had to be pushed and pushed and finally pulled with huge tongs (and by the sweat of my drs brow) into this world. That should have been a warning to me about how the next few years were going to go. He cried all the way home from the hospital....that's when I knew I was in trouble. Here are a few of the things Jonas Hated when he was little....
Bouncy Chairs, Baby swings, any sort of spontaneous movement, cameras, loud noises, quiet, people, being outside, baths, and bugs! When Jonas was 2 we took him to Gualala on a huge Bryson family trip...he cried the whole time. The only thing that would quiet him down it watching the sound of music....he probably watched it fifteen times when we were there, my family still talks about it.
Jonas was a difficult child but a very funny one as well. He makes me laugh every day, and has since he was little. I can't believe he is nine. It blows my mind...it was just yesterday that he was 18 months and we were walking around the circle reciting the words to HOP ON POP....I would say a page and he would say a page...so cute. This last year has brought about a lot of changes in my Joe...he learned to ride a bike (something that used to terrified him)...he jumped off the deck and into the pond in Gualala....he did the zip line in Costa Rica and he ignores me most of the day. He has grown up, he no longer the fearful little boy he once was ..... I am so proud of him.
Well lets get on with it....we were home for one day in our 3 week vacation, that day was Jonas' birthday. So it wasn't very elaborate but it was fun never the less. He had a Lego Birthday cake.......


Grandma and Grandpa Meacham came over......Jonas' middle name it Alan after Paul's step father.
He got some Lego's from his parent and a really cool cruiser bike....It's black with flames on it...so cool.
Here are the Top Ten things I love about Jonas
1. He is SO SO funny.......Have I mentioned he's funny?
2. He's really smart
3. He sleeps in tightie whities every night and wears a red robe in the morning to cover up.
4. He also sleeps with ear plugs and a mask (which is funny because he also wants the door open and the bathroom light on)
5. He reads a lot
6. He is so nice to everyone
7. He is a great piano player
8. He is in love with Britney an will tell anyone who asked (he says she is the only one in the world who is allowed to push him on a swing)
9 He has never been afraid to be himself....never!
10. He wants to be a brain doctor and a children's author.

Summer time killers

Jonas, Nicholas and Grace all posing for the camera....getting ready to scooter up to Bridalveil Falls!
Grace LOVES to pose for the camera...first we have the sweet face pose..
Her "I'm to hot to trot" pose...(she really is just putting that face on for the camera, she's not grumpy....just COOL)
The classic "over the shoulder" pose
The "sassy dancer" pose....
And the "Hello Boys" pose....
Nick looking cool in his shades....
Rock climbing and wedgies...

" A rock for an eye...Jonas your so crazy"
Scooting back to the car....
And last but not least Jonas and Nick complaining about the stench coming from the porta potties and them talking about how the toilets have to be extra big so they can fit all the poop!
These two pictures were taken at Cabelas ....another summer time killer!

Jonas...another funny quote!

The kids had a sleepover this week. The biggest plan for the night was the 1:00 AM bed time!! I didn't think that in a million years that they would make it, their normal bedtime is 8:00...but they did make it! Even the princess made it to 12, and she asks to go to bed at 6:45 every night. Well at 1:15 the house is quiet....the kids are sleeping! I close my eyes, start the drift off and I hear a knock...It's Jonas, he can't sleep. I walk him back to bed and tuck him in. This happens 2 more times....then I hear him in the bathroom, pretending to vomit .....at this point it's almost two and I am getting very angry!!!! I take him into my bedroom......so I wont wake up the other children with all my yelling.

I explain to him that he will never be able to sleep if he keeps getting out of bed.

I tell him that he wont be able to have a sleepover ever again, if he doesn't go to bed.

I say, that I have trouble sleeping ever night and how would he feel if I woke him up every 5 sec to tell him that I can't sleep.

Then he says.." Mom you need to stop talking because you are making me feel like I don't even exist.....like I am not even a person....It's like I am not even here!"

Well I want him to feel like a person, so I soften up a bit and he comes and sits next to me in my bed....I soften my approach, but I by no means am ready to stop my lecture ( we are both delirious with sleepiness at this point) I continue by pointing out that his younger siblings are asleep...so maybe they will be able to have a sleepover again, but he will have to miss out because he wont go to bed. ( I admit that was a bit below the belt).

He looks at me and says ..." I think I am going to faint, because of all the HORROR!!"

You may be asking yourself ....what is the HORROR? Did he watch a scary movie.....did he have a bad dream....did he hear a strange noise? No.....I am the HORROR! I busted up laughing, and so did he...

Then he gets all cozy under my covers...props his head on his hand ....looks at me with his red sleepy, big brown eyes and says...."I just wish there was one place in the house, that was really cozy, that I could sleep."

So I turn of the light and he falls asleep in about 1/2 a sec. He snores like a rhino for about an hour...then at 3:30 I take him back to bed. I didn't fall a sleep until almost 5..(but you didn't see me waking him up)